


If I Ever Knew Your Heart

by KnowingNoMore



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Developing Relationship, Extramarital Affairs, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Night Stands, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, eruri - Freeform, well maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-17 18:35:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnowingNoMore/pseuds/KnowingNoMore
Summary: This was not the Erwin with polite smiles and unfulfilled duties. This was a man seeking for something he couldn't have for his life. While Levi gazed at him, he recognized the same emptiness he had seen in his own eyes. The same loneliness in his soul.—Erwin has wife and kids. Levi doesn't want a boyfriend. Starting with a one-night stand, it was supposed to be simple and detached, but things never stay the way they wanted. Leading a double life is hard, especially when you're trying to fool yourself. Modern AU.





	1. Chapter 1

Levi was curling up on the sofa when the blond man emerged from his bathroom. The moment of intimacy they had shared together didn't change the fact that he still felt a little uneasy in the man's presence. It was an inexplicable anxiety he couldn't quite put a name to. Maybe it was that air of confidence radiated from the man. As far as he was concerned, Levi never had much confidence in himself—well maybe just not like  _this_  man. Most of the time, Levi struggled to do what he could, earning himself a life along the way, a life he would never had dreamed to have when he was younger. 

“What did you say your name was again?” Levi asked, eyes lingering on the guy’s bare torso—without belt and unbuckled, the dark suit pants he wore were riding low on his hips. 

The blond man chuckled, apparently amused. 

“It's Erwin,” he said. 

“Oh really,” Levi said, frowning at the empty beer bottles scattered at the foot of the sofa. Well,  _maybe he had downed those a bit too fast._  The tv was still on, a dumb sitcom which name he had no idea. He tried to distract himself from the sight of the half-naked man standing six-foot-tall before him, but to no avail. “I thought it was something else.” 

“No, it's always been Erwin.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Erwin laughed; it was a hearty rumble, pleasant and endearing to Levi's ears. “Yes,  _Levi_.” The bright, open smile Erwin displayed once again reminded Levi how self-assured and  _nice_ this man seemed. Despite the smart-ass comments Levi made once in a while and the scowl and scoff coming from him, Erwin had been nothing but smiles and kindness. And if it wasn't rare (or  _weird_ ), Levi didn't know what else was. 

“Wow, guess somebody remembers my name," Levi muttered wryly. 

“Levi Ackerman, isn't it?” 

"When did you learn my last name?" Levi asked suspiciously. He had been drunk when they first met, but he  _would_  remember telling Erwin his full name, if he ever did. 

"It's right on the wall," Erwin said, pointing to a framed picture on the wall above the TV. It was an old photo of Levi, Levi's mother, and his uncle Kenny; at the bottom of the picture someone scribbled ' _Ackerman family,_ _1993'_. It was a year before his mother passed away. 

Levi pursed his lips. "Oh, so you also like to snoop around your one-night stand's rooms." 

"I don't. It's right there," Erwin said. 

Levi let it drop. He didn't want to make things awkward. Never had any of the men he brought home paid attention to the photo before; Erwin was the first to do so. 

A buzzing sound. Someone called him on his phone. Levi frowned. He didn't have to look at it to know that it was Nile again—a guy he met at some other bar two months ago. The man thought that they had a relationship going on even though they had only slept together twice. Levi shoved the phone into his pocket, not wanting to deal with it right now. 

Presently Erwin picked up a glass of water from the coffee stand in the corner of the room. Before Levi could stop him, he was drinking from the glass. 

"God, it's been there since the morning. That's disgusting," Levi snorted. 

"It tastes all right," Erwin remarked. 

Shaking his head in disbelief, Levi stretched his sore limbs. “Do you know how much bacteria are in that fucking glass swimming in the water? I can't believe you just...drink that.” 

"I know something else that's unbelievable," Erwin twisted his lips into a smirk. "The whole time we're doing it, you don't even know my name." 

"Do you care?" Levi asked, staring (openly, now) at Erwin as the man drying his short blond hair with Levi's purple fluffy towel. Erwin didn't turn away, though. It was almost as if he was welcoming Levi's gaze. 

"In fact, I do," Erwin said, but the smile was still on his face. 

"Yeah," Levi said. "Whatever. Why don't you put your shirt on, it's very distracting." 

Erwin chuckled, strolling into the bedroom to find his clothes. 

Levi hesitated, and then stood up to follow Erwin into the room, making sure the latter didn't  _snoop around_  again. He did have some old pictures on his bedside table that he would like to keep to himself. Maybe next time before someone come over, he would put those away. He just had never thought that anyone would really look at them. 

Just as he expected, Erwin glanced at the photos while buttoned up his shirt as he sat on the edge of the bed.  _What's with this guy?_  

"Quit staring at my stuff," Levi said. "You're in a hookup's apartment, not a goddamn museum." 

Erwin looked up at him. "Sorry." 

Levi felt his phone buzzed again in his pocket. He rolled his eyes, taking it out and swiping his thumb across the screen to pick it up. 

" _Stop calling me,_ " he said forcefully. "We only fucked for, like, twice. Also, don't come to my apartment again, or I'll call the cops. Jesus Fucking Christ." He hung up, tossing his cell phone onto the bed. 

Turning back to Erwin, Levi sighed. "Sorry you had to see that. It's some creep that thinks we had a thing. Also, I know I sounded like a prick, but I hate it when people poke around my stuff." 

Erwin didn't seem put off. "It's all right." 

Levi looked away. "Isn't it a bit too late? I thought your wife's still waiting for you." 

"It's okay. She thinks I'm working late. And I usually work late on weeknights, so it's fine." 

Erwin did look like a workaholic. Levi could totally picture him sitting in an office, staring intently at the screen of his laptop and those long fingers typing away gracefully.  _So how often did he do this with someone?_  Levi wondered. 

"Just try to remember my name next time," Erwin said; the sentence sounded neutral. 

"There's a next time?" Levi curled his lips. 

"You got my number," Erwin said with a smile. "It's up to you." 

.:. 

 

 _He had met Erwin at a_ _local bar_ _earlier that night._  

 _Erwin was there with a friend, also blond, tall, muscular, but straight. (Levi vaguely remembered that the friend’s name was Mike, or something like that.)_  

 _Levi recalled little details of the night_ _. Lots of drinks. Some hand gestures resulting gentle touches here and there. Bodies accidentally colliding into one another_ _. Erwin's friend leaving early saying something about Erwin's wife_ _._  

 _But t_ _hey swapped numbers on the corridor to the men’s room. Levi was more than tipsy, happily. He hadn't felt this good in ages. He told Erwin that_ _maybe they could fuck and nothing else when they were_   _both_ _outside smoking_ _._ _“Brilliant,” Erwin commented, looking totally wasted. They shared a good laugh after a_ _drunken kiss_ _._  

 _He hadn't_ _want to make a move, initially—no, maybe that was a lie._ _He_   _found Erwin attractive? Sure. But it_ _was_   _merely_ _physical_ _. He didn't need a boyfriend. He just_ _wanted to feel close to someone, even if it was a stranger._   _It didn't have to be anything other than_ _that._ _He_ _didn't need to know more about this man._  

 _Al_ _so, he didn't overloo_ _k the ring on Erwin's finger and what Mike had said about the_ wife _. The guy_ _was married._  

.:. 

 

The next time, they went to Erwin’s house. 

According to Erwin, his wife and kids were at his in-law’s for the weekend. So Levi and he had the whole house to themselves. 

“I can totally feel the ‘happy family’ vibes just walking around here,” Levi remarked sarcastically while Erwin gave him a tour around the house. 

“You do?” Erwin didn't seem offended. Or perhaps he didn't notice Levi’s undertone. Either way, he didn't show. It appeared that Erwin was quite content and proud of the life he constructed with his wife,  _whatever_. 

 _Proud of what?_ _Successfully pretending_ _to be a straight guy?_  Levi frowned to himself. He knew that there were people who had to live like this,  _pretending_ , but it never ended well. They were rarely happy. The thing with Erwin was he looked like a person who knew exactly what he wanted and what he was doing, so it seemed strange to Levi that he would choose to hide his true identity. 

"So I see you're quite a family person," Levi said. "Despite being a workaholic, apparently." 

"Well, I do as much as I can. Like planning trips on holidays, stuff like that," Erwin said. "I don't have much spare time, but I do enjoy spending time with them while I can." 

"Oh." Levi raised an eyebrow. "Do you also enjoy shagging your wife?" 

He knew that he was being extremely rude and childish, but the whole feel of Erwin’s house was making him uneasy. It was reminding things he didn't want to recall. He shouldn't have agreed to come. 

“Nope,” Erwin said with good humor. And Levi didn't even know why Erwin put up with him. “Not that part. But everything else.” 

Levi looked doubtful. But he didn't say more. Actually, he didn't want to know that much about Erwin—he didn't want the other man to become more than just an occasional good fuck. 

“You seem to have a problem with my lifestyle,” Erwin said. 

“That's none of my business,” Levi muttered, deadpan. 

Erwin regarded him thoughtfully. 

 

They fooled around in the kitchen; under the immaculate marble island Levi gave Erwin a blowjob. And then in the bedroom— 

“Does this get you off?” Levi asked, panting. “That we do it in the exact same bed you and your wife screw?” 

Erwin stifled him with a kiss, more biting than nibbling. 

“Not really,” the blond smiled. “I changed the sheets before you arrived. If you feel weird, we can go to my study—” 

“You have a bed in your study?” Levi frowned. 

“Yeah…” Erwin wasn't really paying much attention to the conversation; he was busy with undoing the buttons on Levi’s jeans. 

“Seriously…I wonder if your wife doesn't know shit…” 

Erwin suddenly forced two fingers into Levi’s mouth. 

“Shut it will you?” Erwin hissed, albeit gently. “I don't want to be talking about my spouse while… _fucking_ you.” 

Levi gave a satisfied moan. 

 .:. 

 

Levi got out of the shower and put on the blue bathrobe Erwin lent him. Of course it was too big; he walked out of the bathroom, feeling stupid. 

“Nice bathroom,” Levi commented as he entered the bedroom. And it was quite a compliment since Levi was especially meticulous when it came to hygiene. 

“Um, thanks,” Erwin replied. He was still reclining on the bed, still half-naked, with a paperback in his hands. 

“What are you doing?” Levi asked. 

“Reading, obviously.” 

“What you're reading?” 

“Some crime novel.” Erwin shrugged. 

“Never woulda pegged you as someone who'd enjoy novels.” Levi said. 

“I look too serious to enjoy a good story? Well, I'm not what I seem like, most of the time,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah. Whatever,” Levi said. He went to the bedside and sat down next to Erwin. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't tired. 

“So, I guess something’s wrong,” Erwin slowly said, eyes still on the book. 

“What?” Levi frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

“You appear to be uptight,” Erwin said carefully. “When you first got into the house and after we finished… Something’s bothering you?” 

 _Yes, this fucking house_ _and your ‘_ _I’m a good husband and father’ attitude_ _. It’s bothering me._ But Levi didn't say anything. Erwin didn't need to know that much. 

“We don't have to make conversations, you know,” Levi said. 

“Not even small talk?” 

“Not even that.” 

“You really despise relationships, don't you?” Erwin laughed quietly. 

Levi’s frown deepened. No, he didn't hate relationships. It was just… 

“You don't have to answer me,” Erwin said. “By the way, you look lovely in my robe. Makes me want to ravish you all over again.” 

Levi smirked. “Now?” 

 .:.

 

The third time, they went to Levi’s apartment. It was a month later. 

“Uh, sorry, I came straight from work,” Erwin said when he showed up at the door, rubbing his temple tiredly. “Would you mind if I go grab something to eat? I'll be right back.” 

“What would you like to eat?” Levi asked. 

“Anything quick will do.” 

“There's this place, two blocks from here…why don't I just show you,” Levi sighed, grabbing his coat from the hanger behind the door. “Let's go.” 

The diner was about ten minutes' walk from Levi’s home. 

Instead of ordering takeout, Levi suggested that Erwin finish his dinner right there (considering takeout would leave unnecessary trash, which Levi detested). 

Sitting across Erwin, Levi propped up his chin and watched the other man eat his pasta. 

“Look at us, having dinner together. It's almost a date,” Erwin said, grinning a little. Levi knew that he was teasing. 

“I am not eating,” Levi retorted drily. 

“But you're sitting with me.” 

“Eat your meal, Smith. Don't get ahead of yourself.” 

Erwin chuckled. 

“Anyway. I think this is a nice change, don't you think? This place is very good indeed. I like the pasta very much; the food here had a homemade taste,” Erwin said, the smile lingering on the edge of his mouth. 

“I can see that you are quite a romantic, isn't it,” Levi grumbled irritably. “I should ask them for candles, and maybe you can bring me some flowers?” 

“If it'll please you,” Erwin said. “How do I get that scowl off your face? You look so nice without it.” 

“You can't,” Levi huffed. “And I'm not sorry I look like shit to you. Get used to it.” 

Erwin laughed, exactly the way Levi liked. 

“Oh, that's an understatement,” Erwin said, shaking his head. 

Levi didn't ask him what he was talking about. He presumed that Erwin’d got some cheeky compliments to spill, so he didn't say more. 

When he didn't say anything further, Erwin engaged him in a conversation again. 

“How was your day?” He asked. 

“Shitty,” Levi replied curtly. 

“Why, may I ask?” 

“Are you really interested in my shit?” Levi frowned. “Or are you just being polite?” 

“I'd really like to know,” Erwin said. 

“You asked for it,” Levi grunted. “I was forced to attend a formal banquet my company set up this noon. It was horrible.” 

“How unfortunate.” 

“It's boring as hell. I got to hear every one of those big-shots babbling about their snobby achievements as well." 

Erwin just gazed at him, smiling like Levi was something interesting. 

"What?" Levi stared back at him. "Why do you keep smiling like that?" 

Erwin shrugged. 

"You're weird," Levi uttered. 

"So I'm often told," Erwin said, and didn't seem a bit bothered. 

Levi fidgeted with a crease on his shirt. "You should finish your meal. I ain't got all night." 

Erwin gave a 'hmm' and picked up his fork again. 

.:. 

 

He bit his lower lip and tried to hold back a mangled sigh in vain as he pressed down onto Erwin, his thighs clutching hard around the man's middle. Erwin's heat burned inside him, jolting him deeply. He felt both alive and gone. Alive because he couldn't think of anything else but this moment. Gone because his sense was heightened to almost nothing. He felt nothing but Erwin. 

Erwin came inside him. And Levi fell forward, atop of Erwin's broad chest, thrusting against the man. Erwin reached down and stroke his cock. 

"Oh shit," Levi gasped. 

A moment later, he lay still on top of Erwin, feeling come leaking out of him. They made a big mess on the bed; he needed to change the bedsheets and wash them as soon as possible, but right now he didn't think he could move. 

"I'll help you with the bedsheets," as if reading his mind, Erwin said quietly. 

Levi opened his eyes, resting his chin on Erwin's shoulder. "...Yeah, let me rest a bit." 

"You all right?" Erwin asked, wrapping an arm about Levi's waist. Levi tensed a little at the touch. 

"Yeah, I guess," Levi muttered. "We both need to shower. You smell like sex. You can't go home like this." 

"I know," Erwin said. "But yeah, give me a moment. I probably can't stand up right now." 

Levi laughed croakily. "Me too." 

The bedsheets were ruined anyway, so he rolled down from Erwin's top, onto his side. They lay next to each other, quietly regaining their strength and some sense of reality. 

“So,” after a minute of silence, Erwin said not without hesitance. “What’s with the other day, when you were at my house?” 

Levi stared at the man. “Right now, seriously? We're not talking about my feelings, please.” His face darkened almost instantly. 

“Did I somehow offend you?” Erwin asked. 

Levi furrowed his brows. He had thought that  _he_ was the one who offended Erwin, not the other way around. “No,” he answered. 

“If it was me, let me know. I mean it.” 

“I said no, it wasn't you.” 

Erwin looked unconvinced. 

“Okay,” Levi sighed. “Look, it just reminded me something, alright? It's not you.” 

“What is  _it_?” Erwin frowned. “My house? ...My wife?” 

“No, no.” Levi shook his head impatiently. Maybe the fact that Erwin had a wife and two kids bothered him a little. But it was more than that. 

“Well…” Erwin began carefully. “I know we agree that this is nothing serious, I mean you and I. But I'd still like to keep things clear and, you know, comfortable.” 

Levi said after a pause, “Yeah, I know that.” 

“So why don't you tell me what's bothering you, and I'll do what I can?” Erwin suggested. 

“Honestly, I don't think that would help,” Levi said with a scowl. “Why don't you believe me when I say it doesn't concern you?” 

“I can do that,” Erwin muttered. “But something must have triggered you. What is that?” 

“You're starting to annoy me, Smith.” Levi closed his eyes, his head lolling back. 

“I'll stop now.” 

“Good. You should.” 

 

-end of chapter 1 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There're likely going to be 2 to 3 chapters. The second installment is already written. Thank you for reading this, and have a good day!


	2. Chapter 2

Levi never sought out new hookups after his third time with Erwin. He met Erwin once every two weeks instead, because it was easier this way. He hated meeting new people anyways. Also, Erwin Smith and his fucking charms lingered in his mind and body longer than they should have. He knew Erwin was married. He knew Erwin had kids. But he also knew that he didn't give two flying fucks about his morals or what he'd look like to other people, should they know about this. Nobody would know, as long as they didn't tell anyone.

The thing was, Levi actually liked Erwin a lot, even though he might not like to admit it. It didn't mean that he saw Erwin as a potential friend. Levi liked that Erwin was polite, collected, and good-humored. They respected each other's privacy. Erwin wasn't attached to him like some participants of his past physical relationships did. And, of course, Erwin was  _good_ in bed.

Levi enjoyed how their physiques were different from each other, how Erwin could just manhandle him however he wanted. He liked it when they did it rough. It made him forget about  _things_. Things like a hard day’s work. Sometimes there was just a constant hollowness that crept deep inside him, and Erwin made him forget about  _all that_.

.:.

“Just  _fuck_  me already.”

“Not yet, I want to see how far you can go,” Erwin said with a smirk. And Levi wanted to slap that smirk off that gorgeous face. It was sin. “I don't remember hearing you beg before. But maybe, just maybe, you can take more. What do you think?” Erwin added another finger, sliding it along with the other three, all of them slick from sweat and lubrication.

“Yeah motherfucker… Just slam your cock in, for C _hrissake_ …” Levi hissed; he could feel tears coming out from the edge of his eyes, rolling down along his cheek. This was humiliating. And he loved it.

Erwin watched him like a predator would his prey. “Levi.” His clear blue eyes shone with burning desire. “What do I get in return if I listen to you?”

Levi pulled his lips into a slanted grin. “Lemme think… You get to cum on my face, fucker.”

“On your pretty face, huh?” Erwin swallowed, then drew his fingers out at once. Levi cringed at the loss with a loud cry. “Sounds tempting. But I want more than that. How about coming on your face, and after you come, you clean up your own mess, with  _your mouth,_  you filthy bitch?”

Levi couldn't say no to that. He nodded a little too eagerly while Erwin flipped him around, shoving his fingers back in and abusing his prostate.

"God, Erwin, _please_."

Erwin soon granted his wish, penetrating him and making it worthwhile. Levi didn't hold back his screams. Didn't want to. And Erwin watched him closely the whole time.

Levi let Erwin ejaculate on his face. Erwin stared down at him, eyes wide with want. And then he bent down to swallow Levi’s cock. Levi cried out, surprised. He came soon after, in Erwin’s mouth.

He tried to sit up, but Erwin shoved him down, pinning his shoulder to the bed and stared at him with those bluest eyes. He pressed his lips to Levi’s and Levi tasted himself. He felt it on the tongue. He felt it inside his mouth. And down the throat, he took it all.

“How’s that.” Erwin said in his low, raspy voice. “You don't like to talk about your feelings, but letting people see you like this… _fucked_ and  _tainted_ , is it any better?”

Levi shuddered. He didn't know if it was due to Erwin’s tone, or the result of being spent and cold. Erwin’s grip on him started to hurt. He let out a shaky breath.

Erwin kissed him. Deep. The grip was gone, replaced by soothing caress.

Usually Levi didn't really like  _that_. Being treated gently was not his thing; it usually made him recoil.

But somehow it was okay when Erwin did it.

.:.

Another week lapsed. Friday, after work, as Levi got out of his office, he spotted a tall, somewhat familiar figure when he was about to enter 'The Walls', a coffee shop that he frequented.

He hesitated, considering whether he should address the man, when the latter turned around and recognized him through the crowd.

“Hey,” the tall man exclaimed. “What a surprise, Levi.”

Levi looked down, brooding. “Yeah, Erwin.”

“I came to visit a client,” Erwin said, already walking towards him. “The appointment was over. Now I'm just going to get some coffee. How about you?”

Levi said slowly, “Actually, my office is just around the corner.” He decided to speak the truth, pointing to the dark grey building next to them absent-mindedly. Erwin didn't seem like the type that would stalk him to work, so it was all right.

“Well, um,” Erwin said, pushing his hair back where they were tousled. "Are you busy? Should we go grab some coffee together?”

Levi thought about it, looking at Erwin’s earnest face and mild eyes. He realized that he wanted to take the offer.

“Sure,” he said.

Levi couldn't remember when was the last time he had coffee with a man he was seeing. It could probably date back to when he was still with Eren, who used to be the trainee at his office. That was already four years ago.

Erwin ordered a cup of  _cappuccino_. ( _Childlike_ , thought Levi.) They sat nearby the window; Levi glanced at the crowd outside, watching the sunlight vanishing from sight.

“So…you said you're a film editor,” Erwin said.

“Yeah.”

“I feel like it's the first piece of information I learned about you, despite your last name.” Erwin displayed a perfect smile. “Kind of making me feel honored.”

“Don't be. It's nothing.”

“I've seen how you casted your men away.”

Levi knew that he was referring to the phone call from Nile, and he smirked. “Were you terrified?”

“No, I feel like it's something you'd do.”

“Yeah, I know. I seem like a villain.”

Erwin shrugged.

“I think I get it, though. Not wanting to be involved in a serious relationship.”

“Tired of marriage?” Levi asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Haha, never enjoyed it since the beginning. But no, that's not what I mean. I never dated much.”

“Oh really.”

“There are already too many relationships based on obsession, attachment, and dead vows,” Erwin said. “I don't think becoming a victim myself is a wise thing to do.”

Levi nodded.  _But somehow being bound by marriage is okay,_ thought Levi. He didn't get Erwin at all.

“I've dated a guy, ‘bout four years ago,” Levi said. He was surprised that he said it. “Several years younger than me. It came to the point that we considered moving in together. But it fell apart shortly before actually moving in.”

“What happened?”

Levi shrugged. “Lots of problems. The kid was young. He was still in college when we met. You know how people change during that age. Flexible, ambitious, confused—we decided to let it go. In the end, I didn't want to be the one to tie him down. He deserved more freedom.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” Erwin said.

“Nah, it was over.” Levi waved his hand, and took a sip at his coffee. He didn't know why he suddenly started to talk about Eren. He had been over him. Maybe deep down inside it still stung. He wasn't sure, and didn't want to think about it.

“How old were you…and this kid?” Erwin asked.

“What, trying to figure out my age?” Levi shot him a sly glance.

Erwin chuckled. “Yeah, you got me. You don't have to tell me, though, if you don’t want to.”

Levi set down the cup in his hand. “He was eighteen. I was twenty-eight.”

Erwin frowned.

“What?” Levi asked, already knowing what Erwin was going to say.

“I think I get to know a lot about you today,” Erwin said, visibly amused. “And I thought you're so much younger than me.”

“Am I not, old man?” Levi smiled lopsidedly. “How old did you think I was?”

“...At first sight it almost looked like you could be twenty two, but after talking to you, I thought you're twenty five, twenty seven at most…” Erwin shook his head.

“So you like your man young?” Levi asked.

“That's what I should be asking,” Erwin said. “You're the one who dated a college boy.”

“It's totally legal,” Levi rolled his eyes. “It's not like he's underage or something.”

“Almost.”

“C’mon, I couldn't be  _that_ young. God.”

“Well, I'm sorry.” Erwin said. “The way you talk…I should have known.”

“What? I talk like your grandpa?”

Erwin laughed. “...You talk like an mature adult, alright?”

“Good,” Levi said.

They fell into silence. Erwin regarded Levi behind his cup, assessing.

Levi thought for a moment, then opened his mouth. “What do you think, tonight…”

“I'm free,” Erwin said quickly, just like he was thinking about the exact same thing.

Levi smiled.

.:.

After leaving the café, they got into Erwin’s car. At the doorstep of Levi’s apartment, they found themselves kissing. Levi felt a strange wave of fondness surging through his torso as he stood tiptoed, pressing himself against Erwin’s solid chest. Erwin, left hand holding his briefcase, gently, but firmly, grasped Levi’s shoulder with his right hand, pulling him even closer.

“You should open the door,” Erwin managed to say, as they slowly drifted apart.

“Yeah,” Levi muttered, fumbling inside his bag for keys.

When they entered the apartment, they were kissing again. This time, it was devoid of gentleness. Levi grabbed the front of Erwin’s nice shirt, dragging him towards himself. They bounced into each other, in a raw, regardless manner. There was a new kind of despair in their movements.

Levi didn't understand  _why_. And, honestly, right now he just didn't care. All that mattered was  _Erwin_ , the man he wanted to fuck, wanted to  _destroy_.

Because that face was too perfect, much like everything else of Erwin’s. Levi didn't believe any of it. Erwin was  _human_. And humans couldn't lie for their whole life and still manage to look all right. Erwin was looking all right. But that was wrong,  _false_. And Levi wanted to tear away that perfect mask, to see what lay below.

“Erwin.  _Erwin,_ ” he hissed, pulling Erwin’s shirt off and tossing it aside. The man kissed him fiercely and tore his coat off him, dropping it carelessly on the floor.

“Come here.” Levi guided Erwin’s hands to his belt and they moved toward the sofa until Levi fell back onto the cushions. Erwin knelt down before him, undoing Levi’s belt and pulling the slacks down.

When Erwin shoved his tongue into him, Levi cried out, gasping. Erwin’s hands were under his knees, pushing his legs up and almost folding Levi into half.

“…God,” he threw a hand over his eyes, moaned aloud. It had been a while since someone rimmed him. And, God, did it feel  _good_. Erwin seemed to sense that as well, for he spent quite some time just holding his feet up and eating him out.

Levi reached down and touched his own cock; he felt like he was going insane if he didn't do anything about it. But Erwin smacked his hand away.

“Let me take care of that,” he grunted. And Levi stared.

Erwin rested Levi’s legs on his shoulders, and bent forward to lick a trail up under Levi’s cock.

“Shit, ah, Erwin. Jesus,” he mumbled incoherently. “You're fucking killing me.”

Erwin’s eyes were dark. There was no mask. Levi gaped at him, lost, as the man took his cock in his mouth, sucking and hollowing his cheeks. This was not the Erwin with polite smiles and unfulfilled duties. This was a man seeking for something he couldn't have for his life. While Levi gazed at him, he recognized the same emptiness he had seen in his own eyes. The same loneliness in his soul.

He came, shouting and kicking Erwin’s shoulder. They continued. Erwin lifted him up and fucked him into the wall as he stared at the whiteness of it. The wall was blank, but he felt whole.

.:.

They lay on the rug facing each other, a thin blanket underneath their bodies.

Levi shifted closer to Erwin, pressing his chest to Erwin’s arms to seek more warmth.

“So…do your friends know—” He asked quietly. “—That you're gay?”

“Just Mike—you've met him—and a couple of old friends,” Erwin replied softly.

“How 'bout your mom?”

“God,  _no_.” Erwin closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“Your dad?”

Erwin’s face scrunched up. “My father passed away when I was ten.”

“Sorry,” Levi said instantly.

“…It’s okay,” Erwin muttered.

“I lost my mom when I was about…eight years old?” Levi said, eyes wandering off to the framed photograph on the wall.

Erwin’s eyes shot up. “I'm really sorry, Levi.”

“I guess we both know how it feels, then,” Levi said lowly.

Erwin tried to show a faint smile, ending up contorting his face even further.

“My mom was devastated after my father’s death,” he spoke slowly. “It was a car accident. I was with my dad. He died…” He paused. “And I survived. I guessed my mom wished…somehow, maybe...he lived, and not me.”

Levi stared at a faint scar under Erwin’s collarbone, noticing it not until now and wondering if it came from the accident.

“Do you feel guilty?” He asked.

Erwin sighed. “I don't know. Yeah, maybe.”

“…I couldn't remember much about my mother,” Levi said in a whisper. “Remember the good things about her makes it sad. But forgetting her…is worse. I want to remember her, but I just can't. It wasn’t helping that all my uncle did was reminding me how I shouldn't end up like her, broke and starving and sick and everything.” He stopped himself, letting out a shaken laugh. “Why are we talking about this?”

“It's okay to talk about it, Levi,” Erwin said.

“Is it?” Levi scoffed, feeling very out of place. “God. I don't know. I just…”

“It's okay, Levi.”

Levi took hold of Erwin’s hand, running his thumb on the thick, warm palm. He liked how his name sounded, rolling off Erwin’s tongue. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Erwin said, and closed in to press his mouth to Levi’s hair. “I guess it's all right.”

.:.

“Can I come over tonight?” Erwin’s voice sounded different when they talked on the phone, but Levi told him  _yes_. Even though Erwin had always been the one waiting for Levi to call.

And then, at that rainy Spring night, about 10:00 p.m., Erwin showed up at his door, shirt soaked through. Levi didn't waste time entertaining his guest, not even making tea or asking what happened. Erwin said nothing; he just put his hands on Levi’s hip and started to kiss him, tongue more demanding than usual. When Erwin lifted his shirt roughly and tugged it off, Levi let him. He was naked before they made it to the bedroom door. Erwin pinned him to the door, kissing him  _everywhere_. His jaw, his collarbone, his chest, his hips, the inner sides of his thighs...

When they finally got into the bed room, Erwin got on the bed and pulled Levi down on top of him.

There was a glint in Erwin's darkened blue eyes that seized Levi's heart and made his breaths shallow. Erwin stroke his cheekbones and stared at him, face and eyes naked.

"Levi..." He said.

"Yeah," Levi muttered. He loved hearing Erwin call his name like that, like he was special.

Erwin looked straight into him, and before Levi registered what was happening, Erwin was guiding him south.

Levi opened his mouth to mutter, "...You sure about this?"

Erwin nodded, his eyes filled with nothing but want and trust. And if there was anything that propelled Levi to go on, Erwin's gaze was it.

They never did this before. But Levi was sure that none of them was new to this. He felt like they should slow down, because Erwin was tight. However, Erwin urged him to go on.

"Please, come on," he said, gazing through strands of blond hair, now disheveled.

It was something to hear Erwin plead. Levi felt his heart thumping against his chest, so fast that he couldn't even keep his hands steady. He was knuckles-deep inside Erwin with two fingers. All the time Erwin was watching him, studying him. When he finally entered Erwin, he looked down at the man. Something hot was burning inside his chest, and all the uneasiness he used to feel around Erwin was gone. It felt like the first time they truly saw each other, without any barrier or defense. Erwin wasn't pretending to be someone he wasn't, and Levi didn't need to guard himself from the others—whoever that might hurt him in whatever ways he used to fear.

When he began to move, Erwin wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

"Levi," he said. "Levi." He said it again and again, until they climaxed.

.:.

“Have you ever felt a kind of emptiness, no matter what you do, how good your life is, it just won't go away?”

Levi turned to gaze at Erwin, who was now staring up at the ceiling, his face inscrutable.

Levi felt like they shouldn't be talking about this. If he started to talk about it, he wouldn't be able to hold back what was keeping him in check. He felt ridiculously vulnerable right now.

“Did your wife find out?” At last, Levi asked.

“You  _didn't_  answer my question.”

“It doesn't matter. The only thing to do is to chase away that emptiness, isn't it?” Levi asked.

“It's not that easy.”

"Of course. It's never easy."

"I guess we're always searching for ways to feel better," Erwin said. "But sometimes we keep choosing the wrong way."

Levi sighed. “So are you going to tell me what happened?”

Erwin considered for a moment.

“I feel like I'm losing it,” he said.

“Elaborate?”

“I don't want it anymore. I thought I was doing what I like. I thought this is the life I've always wanted.”

“It's not?” Levi asked.

Erwin shifted on the bed. “I can't tell anymore,” he mumbled.

“Oh, c’mon, you're the one who always looks like you're living your life to fucking fullest.”

“Maybe I tried to act like that because I wished it was true.”

“Did you?”

“I guess,” Erwin said.

Levi stared hard at the man that he had begun to grow so fond of. Erwin looked lost in thought.

“Do you need to stay here for the night?” Levi asked softly.

Erwin turned to look at him, “Really? I can?”

Levi snorted. “Wow, don't get so hopeful. You’ll take the sofa, outside.” He gestured the bedroom door.

Erwin chuckled. “All right. Thank you. I  _did_ get kicked out by my wife.”

Levi sneered. “ _Poor thing._ ”

.:.

Levi took a shower after Erwin did, taking his time. He couldn't shake off what Erwin said. Erwin had always seemed to know  _where_ to go, what to do.

He got out of the shower 40 minutes after, and went to check on Erwin. Just as he expected, Erwin was still awake, watching TV and looking unimpressed.

“Can't sleep?” Levi asked, sitting down next to Erwin on the sofa.

“Yeah.”

Levi hesitated, keeping his eyes on the muttering TV and trying to stay casual.

“You got kicked out of the house, why?”

“We got into a big fight. She told me she couldn't live like this anymore. She felt like…I wasn't as engaged in our life as she was. And I said it wasn't true.”

Levi frowned.

“I've done everything I could,” Erwin muttered. “But perhaps it wasn't enough.”

“But you said you'd done everything.”

“Yeah…but…” Erwin’s brows scrunched hard together. “I couldn't help feeling guilty.”

“Because you've been cheating on her for God knows how long.”

Erwin raised a thick eyebrow.

“Has it ever occurred to you that you're hurting her?”

“I thought that if she didn't know...it wouldn't hurt her.”

“How could she  _not_  know?”

Erwin sighed. “You're right. I'm a fool, thinking I could just get away with that.”

"So? Does she know that you're sleeping with someone...sleeping with guys?" Levi asked.

"I'm not sleeping with  _guys_. It's just you," after a moment of silence, Erwin muttered.

"Oh," Levi casted a quick glance toward Erwin, who was looking down at his hands as if he suddenly found them interesting.

"I don't do this often," Erwin said. "I've only done it like...a couple of times. I was having a rough week, and Mike suggested that we should head out and chill—we hadn't been out like that in ages, I guess not after graduate school." He paused, smiled a little, "It was a lucky accident that I met you there."

"Yeah, you lucky bastard," Levi mumbled to himself, and then raised the volume. "I suppose your wife doesn't know about us yet?"

"No," Erwin said.

"I guess there's no right answer to the question whether you should tell her about all this," Levi said grimly. "It's your own choice."

Erwin dropped his chin into a gloomy nod, leaning back and rubbing his temple. "You know..." He began slowly, “…I'd always dreamed to be a father."

Levi hummed.

“When I met my wife I thought, this is it. This is what I've always wanted.”

Levi turned to the man, who had his eyebrows knitted so tightly together that one might think he was in pain.

“And I went for it,” Erwin said. “My mother was happy. I was happy. I've reconstructed something out of our misery.”

 _Misery_ , Levi thought. He tried to imagine Erwin and his mother, after his father's death, depending on each other, but both were in no condition to support one another. An empty house popped up in his mind, an empty, silent household, occupied with nothing but depression. He remembered his own childhood with Kenny's unstable personality and a bunch of unpaid bills.

"But the magic wore off soon enough," Erwin said. "I guess...she knew, yeah, that I didn't really love her that much."

Levi didn't know what to say. He was never the one to comfort, or, at least, say comforting words.

"I think it's only fair that she knows the truth," he blurted instead. "Think of all the years she's been through knowing you don't love her."

Erwin turned to him, fixing his large blue eyes on him. "I love how you just talk like that," he said.

"Like what?"

"Like this," With a hint of amusement in his eyes, Erwin gestured Levi with his chin, which was stubbled tonight, something different from the other nights.

Levi shrugged it off. "You look good enough to me. I'm going to bed."

"You're just gonna leave me here? I can't even fit in the sofa, how do you expect me to sleep on it?"

"Figure something out," Levi snorted.

.:.

The next time he heard from Erwin was a week later.

Judging from Erwin's looks, Levi knew it had not been an easy week for the man.

They met at 'The Walls'. Erwin sat down across Levi, his shoulders slumping a little; he wasn't wearing a button-down like he did most of the time, just a plain grey shirt that looked a bit old, and a pair of loose fitting jeans. His hair was out of place.

"Does this count as a date?" Erwin asked with a tired smile, and Levi knew that he just said so to lighten the mood.

"No," he muttered.

Erwin tried to chuckle.

"I just want to see you," he said lowly, voice cracking slightly at the end.

Levi frowned.

"What, is this the last time or what?" He asked harshly.

Erwin paused, looking lost.

"We...my wife...and I, have an agreement," he managed to say.

Levi could feel his heart sink, even though he didn't know why.

"So you came all the way here just to tell me this," Levi said.

Erwin sighed.

"Not just this," he said.

Levi noticed that he couldn't seem to suppress the burning sensation that was growing hotter inside his stomach.

"What agreement, you are gonna go back to that fucking hypocrite personality you're so fucking tired of, just so you can keep that stupid illusion of 'perfect husband slash daddy' that has never been real?"

He didn't realize he was shouting, until the silence following his words became too heavy and he was panting, feeling strangers' gaze on him in the shop without turning around.

Erwin looked so pale and worn out. But Levi didn't pity him, not even slightly.

"You haven't listened to what I have to say yet." Erwin's voice was weak and all the more lower.

"Why should I," Levi hissed. "You are a fucking coward."

He hated that he was afraid of never seeing Erwin again. He wanted to wrap his finger on those messy blond hair, but was angry at himself for wanting so. This man was not the Erwin Smith he had come to know.

"Levi, I'm very sorry, but if you—"

"Shut up," Levi cut him off. "I don't want to see your selfish fucking face again. And those bullshits, keep them to your stupid ego."

He got up, and hurriedly walked toward the door; he didn't turn once because he didn't want to see Erwin's face contorted with hurt and pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~  
> Thank you guys for reading, commenting, and the kudos. They make my day! <3


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